Music

Sometimes music gives words to that which we cannot describe.

A good friend of mine made a mix CD of songs to help through the hard times. 2 songs stuck out and I thought I’d post the lyrics here. They are pretty powerful and I felt that they conveyed the emotions I feel.

(Side note: It’s been 7 months and 1 day since my parents told me about their divorce. I still break down and cry. My heart still hurts. I still mourn. This is all of the healing process. Just because you’ve had your cry doesn’t mean you won’t cry again…it’s ok. I was a sobbing mess not two weeks ago. Luckily, I have some great friends who didn’t mind and understand. More on my  7 month check up later)

Back to the music. The first song is “Pompeii” by Bastille (the title of the song already applies! ) Click on the song title to watch the lyrics with the music, no weird music video just the music playing and the lyrics.

Here is the part of the song that really gave words to my emotions ( I don’t know what the song is really referencing, but I am going to be selfish and claim it for my situation! :) There is definitely some sort of destruction and then the emotional fallout.

And the walls kept tumbling down

In the city that we love

Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

I love that question, ” How am I gonna be an optimist about this?” It’s honest and I still find myself asking myself that. Listen to the song and let me know your thoughts!

Song 2 “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap (this one is linked too! Click it! )

Where are we? What the hell is going on? <—– YUP!
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me ’round again and rub my eyes.
This can’t be happening.
When busy streets amass with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won’t catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it’s all for the best? Of course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it’s just what we need? And you decided this.
What you say?
Mmm, what did you say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don’t believe you.
You don’t care a bit. You don’t care a bit.

This one is a bit more bitter, but it’s ok to be angry. The song is amazing, you can feel the emotion and passion behind it, plus it’s all done in a capella.

PLEASE, listen to them both! You’ve probably heard “Pompeii” on the radio, it’s pretty popular. I am sure there are other songs that could apply. I apologize for the downer post, but this is all part of the process. Don’t forget about music. It can be very cathartic, just don’t let it fuel your anger too much. Need a pick-me-up? “Happy” by Pherrell Williams will do just the trick, especially this video (if you didn’t click on either of the other two…click this one..it’s the best)  :)

 

Everyday

The thing about Forgiveness is that you have to choose it everyday. In order to keep Resentment, Bitterness and Hate at bay, you must replace them with Forgiveness, Kindness and Love. This is easier said than done. Which is why you do it one day at a time….and at first, one moment at a time. Start with one thought at a time.

You start to get really angry and bitter, what do you do?

- take a deep breath

-realized that being angry only hinders you. Do you really want to be angry, and bitter?

- Say out loud ” I love/like (insert name of person you are angry with)” and then list the things you love/like about that person

-Smile and/or laugh, it’s hard to be angry when you smile or laugh

-looking at pictures of cute animals ALWAYS helps, this is a good site www.cuteoverload.com

 

It’s ok to be angry, it’s not ok for it to ruin or run you life.

This is about guarding your heart and mind so you can heal.

 

 

Better

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Choice.

That is what it comes down to. You can either be Better or Bitter. Sounds cliche. I know.

But, it’s true.

If you internalize your hurt, it will turn to Bitterness, tainting all of your thoughts and emotions. Resentment, Anger (it’s ok to be angry for a short amount of time, I’m not talk about that, I’m talking about the dangers of Anger controlling you), and sometimes Rage, will follow, and before you know it, you are rotting from the inside out. Everything looks fine on the outside, but your core is hollow, empty of happiness and life.

A. Big. Empty. Void. (like the tree above)

You don’t want that.

It’s your choice, Bitter or Better? Rot or Grow?

If you choose better, you have to make that choice everyday. It’s not just a one time thing.

Here’s a hint…it get’s easier every day.

Ok real talk: I made a decision early in the turmoil of my parent’s divorce that I didn’t want to live my life bitter and angry at my Dad. I didn’t want to risk the chance of those toxic feelings seeping into my own marriage and relationships. Life’s too short to waste it on Bitterness and Anger. Deciding to not be Bitter or Angry, doesn’t mean you’ve let the person hurting you win, it means that you value your life and you want better for your heart and mind.

Mourning Glory

There is a small span of time between the shock of devastating news and when it’s time to start putting yourself back together.

It’s called the “Mourning Period”.

This span of time is crucial to any and every healing process. You must go through it no matter how small or large the hurt.

If you don’t, if you push it off till another day, it will come back with vengeance and wreak havoc on your emotional and mental health.

People don’t like the Mourning Period.

It’s inconvenient.

It’s uncomfortable.

It’s required.

Don’t focus on healing. Focus on being sad. Sounds counterproductive right? Well it isn’t. In order to get your heart and your mind ready for healing, you must mourn your loss.  The severity of the tragedy directly related to the time needed to spend here.

During this time, cry, shout, scream, sleep…wallow. Be sad for what you have lost. When I heard about my parent’s divorce, I wailed, screamed and bawled…over and over.

It’s ok. Really, it’s ok to take some time and be sad for the wonderful thing that you’ve lost. It’s. O. K.

It is crucial that you have a support group as they will help you get out of the Mourning Period…but more on that later.

Major tragedy? Check.

Support person/persons? Check

Now go cry.

Connection

” I am here for you.”

To a hurting person, this phrase is the salve to a burning and emotionally wounded heart.

We crave connection.

Especially when we’re hurting.

Not knowledge, not advice, not a formula to solve our problems…but true, honest, genuine connection.

In our society, we’ve lost the “human” element in the grieving process. We’re so quick to skip the sad part that we don’t heal properly. Maybe because those around us act awkward and don’t help with the grieving. Everyone is quick to advise on what book to read, exercise plan to start, video to watch, beverage to drink….mere bandaids.

The next time you encounter a hurting person, and you are brave enough to help, all you have to say is that simple phrase, but only if you mean it.

Hugs help too.

Words

With every conversation, especially with those who’ve hurt you, you must ask yourself “Is what I am about to say going to hurt or heal?” if the answer is hurt…don’t say it, you will regret it and delay the healing.

Speak life into everyone at every opportunity.

Use your words to create, not destroy.